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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

On The Wings of Love - Where's the Air Sickness Bag?


Nothing like a Bachelor finale to bring the blog out of retirements after a year hiatus!


There's so much, I don't even know where to start. The most dram tic question in Bachelor history has been, "Why Vienna?" Besides the producers telling Jake to pick her, I have a theory:


Jake says his nickname in high school was "Mr. Dateless." Shocking, I know, since we learned early on that he throws a football more like Kim Kardashian and less like Reggie Bush. This being the case, he missed out on a valuable rite of passage in the male development process:


THE SKANK PHASE


It sounds like poor Jake couldn't even get the Goth Girl to meet him behind the bleachers, blurring the line in adulthood of lust vs. love. Just like every girl who is devastated by her first bad boy, Jake is destined to be heartbroken when Vienna does the skank of shame shuffle onto her next free ticket. One sparkle of a rhinestone from a Jon Gosselin Ed Hardy T-shirt catches Vienna's eye and there's a synthetic hair love story waiting to happen. Besides, I'm pretty sure Vienna is contracted to stay with Jake through Jason and Molly's wedding a la Bob and Estella.


Let me just bullet point a few of my other pertinent thoughts:


1. I don't doubt that Tenly has been dropped out of a Disney movie, dreams in cartoons, and even craps rainbows. But exactly what slutty princess did she borrow her "After the Final Rose" dress from? Tenly, that was a shirt, you forgot your pants sweetie. Somewhere Mickey Mouse is blushing.


2. Ali's dress, however, was flawless. The one shoulder, butterfly sleeve was elegant and understated. Speaking of Ali, you know that she was pegged pretty early by the producers as a viable Bachelorette candidate. Once you learn of Ali's profession, the whole exit scenario seems pretty ridiculous. The Red Cross wasn't calling her in for Haiti relief, Wall Street didn't need her help with the Dow, and Toyota didn't ask her to testify before Congress. She is a Facebook Account Executive. All I can say is somebody's mafia war must have gone loco!


3. I loved when Jake proposed with the ring box, that you couldn't even see the ring because the camera was zoomed in on the Neil Lane logo. We get it Mr. Lane, you are a sponsor. We needed the glare of the diamond to blind us from Vienna's roots.


4. Really? Did ABC just bring out Jeffrey Osborne for a live performance of "On the Wings of Love?" Where did they even find him? I suggested to my friend Vanessa that he should fire his agent. She said, "The way i see it, he's the only winner of the night as thousands of 20-somethings are googling his name right now." Good point, and he may score some royalties from the I-tunes downloads. Vanessa also suggested that the next bachelor should be a sea captain so ABC can bring in Christopher Cross to sing "Sailing" at the finale. (No, "Sailing" is NOT an N*SYNC song, they just covered it.) Vanessa is funny, she should have her own HBO comedy special.


5. We've seen Jake dance A LOT this season. I'd just like to say to 70-year old astronaut Buzz Aldrin, you got nothing to worry about on Dancing With The Stars!


Finally, I will be involved in the semi-finals of The Summit League Basketball tournament during Jason and Molly's Wedding Extravaganza. So, please text me if it becomes the most dramatic wedding in Bachelor history. I don't really know what they can do to top Trista and Ryan filling an hourglass with their own personal sands of their times. Barf. I really do need that air sickness bag.


2 comments:

Candi and Skeet said...

Myndee, you are AWESOME!! I love every word of this post!! No one could have said it better!! Love you girl! You are fabulous!

Ogden Family said...

Amen Myndee!! You just put into words what almost every girl in America is thinking. That gave me a good laugh. Hope things are going well for you and have fun at the tourney!